The Wheelchair Whisperer.
I work face to face with a lot of senior citizens and I happen to love it. Most are just adorable and harmless and even if they do say something out of line, it's easy to disregard as 'ahh they are just old.' Then there is the wheelchair whisperer. Picture a slumped over santa clause (but not as jolly, and not quite as old) wheeling himself into our office. He never comes to my check in, but goes to the one next to me. As my coworker gets up to retrieve his chart, he usually sneaks in a 'ahhh so beautiful' or a 'omg, so hot' under his breath while I feel him stare at me. Then when she comes back he's quite. he always digs through her candy bowl and then wheels himself in front of me to dig through my candy bowl. The whispers pick back up. 'so sexy.' 'uhhhhhhh' 'gorgeouuusss'. The catch... NO ONE ELSE HEARS IT. It pisses me off beyond believe, and I think he's extremely disrespectful. I'm right here, quit acting like I'm not you old fart. I left off the fact that his wife is with him sometimes but is always parking the car while he is checking in. My coworkers might possibly think im crazy, but now when I see him coming I either get up and leave, or call my ex-NFL playing boss to come stand behind me until he's gone. I can't bring myself to file a formal complaint against him because realistically he is just complimenting me. In the creepiest way possible.
My poet stalker.
Once upon a time I had a stalker. Kinda...actually just an extremely strange situation on my hands. I was sitting in Coach Freemans history class when I got a letter addressed to me that was sent to the high school. I opened it, a card and some papers. I read on, Dear Kristen, I saw you play basketball and I think you're very pretty. I want you to read these and I want to talk about it in person. Signed, Jamal Smith. I dont remember his name... (but if you lived in UTC Place 3336, Jamal will give a paint a perfect picture.) The papers were copies of this guys work. Apparently he was a published poet. His picture was there and everything, just a large black man with a fro. One of his poems was included, the rest was an article talking about 'out of body experiences' and really really strange stuff. He had written in the white space beside the articles talking about how he really thinks he could get through to me, and other reallllly creepy stuff. Then, still semi-laughing, I took it to my teacher who said hmm maybe you should take it to the principals office to the SRO officer. They were a lot more concerned with it than I was... until the police report came back. Apparently the guy lived in Franklin Co (we had just had an away game there) and has a police record and gets in trouble with the law frequently. Typically neighbor complaints, and small stuff. But it was enough for them to give me the make and model of his car and other special instructions. As a Junior in highschool, I was horrified.
Big Mississippi.
One night out in Chattanooga, my girlfriend was at the bar getting a drink when an older short man struck up a convo. They were just giggling away leaving me just standing there. Well I guess the gentleman with the short guy noticed this and heads on over. Small talk continues... he informs me that he is the short Brazilian man's body guard. I inquired what he does that requires a body guard and was given the response.... he's an entrepreneur. Yea, ok. So while my friend is dancing with shorty, apparently he slips a $100 bill and a $20 to her. Damn it, im stuck playing wingman now. So after many free drinks, my friend kisses the creepy Brazilian billionaire and big body guard is trying to put moves on me. Not happenin. Let me explain why... Big Mississippi gets his name honestly. Picture a much grosser version of Big from Rob & Big on MTV. He is a 40ish African American, prolly 6'6 and 350 lbs. acne scars all over his face, and just over all I would describe as not appealing... At all. So the night ends... my friend and his friend exchange numbers. Typically he would never have gotten the time of day, but they were talking trips to here, and trips to there, and free this, and free that. Poor college kid gets sucked in. So we agree to go to dinner with them when they were coming back through town a couple of days later. Horrible idea. Obviously the old men had expectations, we did not and they were both extremely affectionate. Especially my friends guy. We struggle through dinner, stilllll not sure exactly how this guy has so much money or what his 'career' is, and they insist on walking us to our car. Well my poor girlfriends dude wasn't coming up for air he was so into her, and Big Mississippi kept trying to hold my hand the whole way to the car, and then hugs me goodbye. Doesn't let go. I look up into all those fat rolls on his neck, and then he kissed me. He had me in a bear hug, I couldn't budge... He finally lets go and my friend said my face was one that she'd never seen before and she didn't know if i was goin to cry, punch him, or throw up. Big Mississippi got my phone number the night before and literally called me everyday for 2 months. I'm not exaggerating at all. Voicemails included, and yes.. texts too. I wont even go into detail on what they said, but at the time I was really worried about having a potential drug lords bodyguard as my 2nd all time stalker.
The Perverted Pressure Washer
This happened way back when I was very young and impressionable. I believe I was 18 and at home one summer. My Dad had hired some guy that some other guy had recommended to pressure wash the house. Well he was out running errands but had told me he was coming and he may need a ladder or whatever and to just tell him where things were if needed. My mother had just had ankle surgery and was posted up on the couch. Well he knocks at the door for the first thing, the ladder. No prob I directed him to it. He was a scrawny, maybe 5'8, upper 30s, white guy. Balding on top, facial hair, and just straight white trash looking. Well he came back to the door again, and I helped him with whatever insignificant thing it was. This happened like 2 more times. Stupid stuff that he could have done on his own. Then he asked me to move the cars in the front so they didn't get sprayed/dirty. Ok, finally a logical reason to bother me... I move moms, and get in mine to move...
Our driveway isn't even with our house and part of it sticks out into the side yard. The side yard faces street and we have neighbors on that side as well. Well I get in my car, look up, and this disgusting and disturbed man is suddenly 5 feet in front of my car with his penis pulled out peeing. Looking me dead in the eyes. OH HELL NO. I throw it in reverse. Park it. And start storming to the front door. He has the nerve to start walking next to me. I verrryy politely (not) told him to get away from me right now. I get inside to see my Dad pulling up in the basement drive. I'm flipping out and just straight pissed that this jerk off had the nerve to just do that to me and could not wait to tell my Father who was supossed to beat up any bad guys for my whole life. Nope, my sweet laid back Dad was just as calm as ever. I mean, I was 100% sure he was going to go rip the guys dick off when I told him what had happened. My mother and I are just in a tissy, and my Dad just calming sat down, probably popped open a beer, and said well we will never use him again. I was floored. It wasn't until a few weeks later, I found out that my Dad had in fact gone out and talked to the guy and it wasn't pretty, but my mom wouldn't tell me what he said. Whoooo does that?!
Revisiting these stories, I just cant help but think... It's a sick sick world we live in, full of perverts, creepers and mentally unstable idiots. But what can you do, life goes on.
OMG Spann this seriously just made my night!!! I had no idea any of these stories just happened....but they are hilarious!! You have a priceless way of describing people!! Keep 'em comin please hahaha-Suzanne
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